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Musings of an Awakening Spirit

Stories, poetry & general musings of Rebecca Haywood, a modern-day Shaman with a penchant for bringing the divine into the human experience.

Resistance of the Trauma Self: Part 1

My last few posts addressed the rebellion against our trauma self and this “walking in two worlds” medicine. Next up: resistance manifest and how our trauma self freezes, flees, or fights the “essential embrace”.



As a healer, I understood the manifestation of one’s resistance to be based on density. The longer and stronger it was held, the more physical it would become—moving from a spiritual disconnect to a mental one, then emotional, and finally solidifying into physical dis-ease.



True, but it isn’t the whole picture. It can’t be. My hidden trauma had been with me since childhood and yet I have sustained no great physical dis-ease.



I could easily dismiss this anomaly with another truth I uncovered as a healer: the where of resistance can be tied to one’s relationship with the body, emotions, or mind. Whichever aspect one most identified through, was where the resist would persist.



I practiced not being of my body, or even in my body, for a long time. So of course my resistance wouldn’t congeal there, right? Not exactly.



These observations on resistance, though true then and now, cannot be so cleanly applied to trauma. Trauma is a multi-dimensional wound. I dare say it even spans the space-time continuum. For it is held by the trauma self—a self that could be 8 yrs old in one moment and a teenager in the next, and who may be in the throws of a violent memory or in the subtle defenses she created against it.



In my “walking in two worlds”, I have journeyed inside my 8 yr old memories and through the years that followed. I have revisited my tough girl tomboy, my anorexic teenager, my devoted spiritual warrior, and every self in between. And they each have held resistance in different ways—three to be exact: freeze, flee, or fight.



No matter her space-time continuum, my trauma self resisted healing in these three ways and cycled through them, just as she did when the trauma first occurred. And each manifested in a specific aspect—body, emotions, or mind.



More tomorrow, but take this time to observe your resistance with this new framework...

How does your trauma self freeze in Your embrace, flee from it, or put up a fight?


How does she shy from being seen or heard, felt, or believed?

And why? After all, You are her trusty guardian. Why does she hide from even You?

Opening the Door to our Trauma Self
Resistance of the Trauma Self: Part 2: The Freeze

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