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Musings of an Awakening Spirit

Stories, poetry & general musings of Rebecca Haywood, a modern-day Shaman with a penchant for bringing the divine into the human experience.

Hunting Medicine

Hunting Medicine
I am a huntress of medicine. I stalk out a need within myself or a client and then I ask Spirit to bring on the alchemy. At times, it is like a treasure hunt where one clue leads to another in an unfolding journey that requires patience and surrender. That’s how it has been this last month with the personal trauma work that I have been sharing with y’all. I had stalled out,...
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The Trauma Self’s Strive to Thrive

The Trauma Self’s Strive to Thrive
“I am here!”
 This has been my mantra for the last couple weeks. It is one that I have used with myself and clients in the past yet with less of a declaration and more of a loving presence. I would place my hand on my heart or wherever my emotional pain had landed and coo, “I am here. I got you.” My clients would report how effective this simple act of self-love...
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Resistance of the Trauma Self: Part 4: The Fight

Resistance of the Trauma Self: Part 4: The Fight
The fight response presents in the mind. The energy is guarded, controlled, and sharp with pride. The trauma self stands her ground. No longer frozen or running from fear, she raises her sword at the ready to take on the battle. She seems triumphant—a warrior to be lauded—but the only one sliced by her blade now is herself. For the real battle is done—the enemy slain, arraigned or waned—and yet she keeps fighting,...
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Resistance of the Trauma Self: Part 3: The Flight

Resistance of the Trauma Self: Part 3: The Flight
The flight response presents in the emotional aspect: the energy is flowing but erratic. The frozen self may have thawed enough to move but only laterally— flitting back and forth between emotional coping mechanisms. One might think that this flight is purely based in fear but remember, we are talking about the trauma self’s resistance to being embraced by You, the guardian, and in this case, to being felt. She isn’t just fleeing...
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Resistance of the Trauma Self: Part 2: The Freeze

Resistance of the Trauma Self: Part 2: The Freeze
Yesterday, I flipped the conversation about our resistance to healing and embracing our trauma self into an exploration of how the trauma self resists that embrace, even from You, the guardian. I introduced a new framework for identifying her resistance—the freeze, flee, or fight response. I shared that my trauma self has resisted my embrace in these three ways and cycled through them, just as she did when the trauma first occurred. I...
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Resistance of the Trauma Self: Part 1

Resistance of the Trauma Self: Part 1
My last few posts addressed the rebellion against our trauma self and this “walking in two worlds” medicine. Next up: resistance manifest and how our trauma self freezes, flees, or fights the “essential embrace”. 

As a healer, I understood the manifestation of one’s resistance to be based on density. The longer and stronger it was held, the more physical it would become—moving from a spiritual disconnect to a mental one, then emotional, and...
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Opening the Door to our Trauma Self

Opening the Door to our Trauma Self
What opens the door within oneself? ...to peer beyond the veils of protection that we placed in front of our trauma? …to pierce the heavy silence, the frozen fear, its secrets, its shame? ...and to do this walk that I and so many of us are on, or wish to be on— this walking in both worlds with our trauma self finally risen from shadow and with our guardian self at the ready...
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Welcoming our "Triggers"

Welcoming our "Triggers"
I received so many response to my last post—about healing trauma and walking in two worlds: as the self needing to be healed, and as the one offering that healing—that I want to deepen the conversation, to invite you deeper into your process by sharing more of my own. So that’s what’s up this week and until Spirit (which includes you!) invites another topic to the table. First up is this word used...
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Patchwork Quilt: Part 4: Reweaving the Trauma Self

Patchwork Quilt: Part 4: Reweaving the Trauma Self
In my recent posts, I have been discussing a vision I received: a patchwork quilt which represented my life and all the selves within it, connected by a single golden thread—the one Self that flows through them all. It has delivered a big medicine for me and the healing of a hidden sexual trauma recently uncovered. This has been the toughest piece of trauma work I have ever had to do because it...
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Patchwork Quilt: Part 2: The Common Thread of the Self

Patchwork Quilt: Part 2: The Common Thread of the Self
I used to think of the Self as a layered being— layers of stories, beliefs, emotions. That is the language I was given to describe it and to process it— to peel away the layers. Through my personal journey of healing trauma, I discovered the emotional “peeling“ to be more of an unwinding from the body. Each emotion was like a thread, spun by stories and bound with beliefs and, if I followed...
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A Comedic Lesson in Humility

A Comedic Lesson in Humility
The moon has been showing a sliver of a smile—crooked, like she’s up to some mischief. So I thought it time to share another side of my death process—the lighter side of the dark side—and the laughter that often joins my tears in a full-bellied, full spectrum rainbow of emotions. Death can offer quite the feast if we let Her and She has a great sense of humor—one that, like most comedy, bares...
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Gifts for the Ghost

Gifts for the Ghost
“Gifts for the Ghost” is a series of videos that offer a set of tools and practices for healing trauma or any psychosomatic imbalance. And it’s FREE! No need to even subscribe to my newsletter. They truly are my gift to you which I am so happy to offer. 💝Each video is posted here, plus an introductory article on "Emotional Presence"... Welcome to Gifts for the Ghost,A set of tools and practices for...
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Shameless Feminine

Shameless Feminine
“Shameless Feminine” Beloved, I come to you now,Pulled by your sleeping scarlet dreams,Your flowers of yearning,Your earth’s turning, That I may reach into this vessel —Beyond feast of ghost and Pain possessing pleasure— And bend my love into you, Become your trestle, Till you rise upon my kisses And your light breaks only into dawn— Never a slave To their empty grave No more. - Rh
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Forgiveness: An Act of Self-Love

Forgiveness: An Act of Self-Love
"Forgiveness sheds the bones of yesterday and bares her naked soul to the light of today." Having been raped multiple times in my life, I have a lot of experience with forgiveness. I held onto my anger and pain as if they would protect me from further trespasses when in truth, I was held by them and by my wounded memories which had become my greatest perpetrator. I was in purgatory, afraid to...
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To All the Boys

To All the Boys
“It’s not worth prosecuting”, I was told after the detective had “lost” all the evidence. Evidence plucked, swabbed, and stripped from my shaking body—gone, and with it—my credibility. Even before that, the same detective had attempted to silence me with his shaming inquisition. And now it seemed he had won. But he hadn’t. I wouldn’t let him. The way that I won, in spite of him, had nothing to do with spite at...
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Talkin' About Your Revolution

Talkin' About Your Revolution
So much trauma has been awakened in us collectively—new memories, old memories, and the ancient ones that have been carried in our cells. So much to feel and yet such a gift and a medicine to have it here, on the surface, where we can embrace it as we never did before. And we aren’t just revisiting our trauma, we are walking through reporting it, prosecuting it, speaking our story and naming our...
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Let it Burn

Let it Burn
Weinstein, Cosby, Kavanaugh. A fire has been lit and though it may seem to scorch our earth, it also ushers in a newfound fertility. That’s why we must embrace this fire and let it burn— allow its flames to lick at our wounds, to ignite the pain, the shame, the rage unsung and stir the ashes that once buried it.  As a survivor of multiple sexual assaults, I found myself quietly weeping with...
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Healing Our Wounded Inheritance

Healing Our Wounded Inheritance
The blankets of the sweat lodge had begun to move with the cool breeze of the desert night, bringing my awareness back to my body.  I lay there in the darkness alone; the ground wet with the steam of sage and copal.  I was in the primordial mud; in the stillness of the beginning of it all.   The Temazcal, once filled with song and prayer, had carried me to a deep place...
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